Breathing is dull
by Sorah
Summary: "I'm not giving up. I'm just not fighting. You gave up on your life. You can't say a shit about me when I get there." - After Reichenbach Falls.


**My first Sherlock fanfic, be nice =Ç**

**I don't speak english perfectly and I don't have a beta, so grammar mistakes are likely to happen.**

* * *

— There was no phone, John – said Lestrade. – We looked all over the rooftop of the Hospital. No phone.

— There was a phone! He was talking to me before he…

John couldn't say it. The words were stuck in his throat.

— Maybe it felt in the street.

— No, it didn't. I saw when he dropped it. The only thing that felt from that building was…

Again, the words couldn't come out.

When he went home that day, he made himself a cup of tea. He had stopped in the market to buy milk. His favorite one. Suddenly, he felt the urge to let him know that. So he took his phone and wrote it:

_"I bought you some milk, come home"_

_- JW_

He wasn't even thinking when he sent it. It was, somehow, a way to keep his friend around, even though he wasn't.

"_If feels like you are here"_

_- JW_

Quickly, he proceeded to write another text.

_"I know you won't answer, just in case you are somewhere thinking I went mad."_

_-JW_

_"But I keep thinking I'm gonna get a text from you at any moment"_

_-JW_

_"You know, the fact that you would just ignore me even if you were seeing these texts helps me to keep texting you like if you were…"_

He didn't finish that one. Instead, he just dropped the phone and drank his tea, looking at the empty chair where Sherlock used to sit.

As time went by, those texts kept being sent.

In his phone there were several messages, all sent to the same number, identified as "SH". There was never a reply.

Sherlock _always_ replies. To everything and everyone.

Or used to.

**Day 14 after the fall**

_"Lestrade came here today. He probably thinks I'm gonna hang myself"_

_- JW_

**Day 23**

_"I have to let you go, Sherlock. I have to."_

_-JW_

_"I just don't want to."_

_-JW_

**Day 27**

_"I'd give anything. A-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. For a reply."_

_-JW_

**Day 32**

_"I miss you"_

_-JW_

**Day 35**

"_Triple homicide. You'd be happy. Really weird circumstances. I saw on the news. Lestrade is kind of lost"_

_- JW_

_"Come home. Please."_

_- JW_

**Day 40**

_"I started to smoke. Long-term suicide."_

_- JW_

**Day 42**

_"Met this girl today. Her name is Lizzie. She is nice. Finally being able to date someone"_

_- JW_

_"I'm not saying that I couldn't keep a girl because of you"_

_- JW_

_"Thought it was true"_

_-JW_

**Day 49**

**_"_**_Irene Adler asked for you. I have no idea how she is alive."_

_-JW_

_"By the way, I must say, for someone without friends, you left a bunch of people crying for you."_

_-JW_

_"Irene, Lestrade, Mycroft, Mrs. Hudson. Molly. _

_Oh, poor Molly"._

_- JW_

_"Oh, and me."_

_- JW_

**Day 54**

_"I talk to you more than I talk to my therapist."_

_- JW_

_"Which is funny, since you are…"_

_- JW_

_"You are dead. I'm talking to a dead man."_

_-JW_

**Day 59**

_"I bought a dog"_

_- JW_

**Day 60**

_"I wasn't sure about how to name the dog, but when he brought a bird head to the kitchen I couldn't help but call it Sherly"_

**Day 67**

_"The dog won't listen to me. It keeps bringing dead things to the house. And I thought you were more like a cat person."_

_-JW_

**Day 70**

_"Lestrade is stuck in that same case. He came here today to ask for my help. I couldn't do much though. I'm sure you'd have got the killer by now"_

_-JW_

**Day 72**

_"I hope you are in hell. Otherwise you are really bored."_

_-JW_

**Day 76**

_"I'm still dating Lizzie. She said she loves me."_

_-JW_

**Day 79**

_"I wanna be with you, Sherlock. Now."_

_- JW_

_"God, I miss you so much"_

_-JW_

**Day 82**

_"I hadn't touched you room since that day. I'm here now. It smells just like you"_

_-JW_

_"Your clothes. Your stuffs. Your smell. Your sheets, your bed. Everything is like having pieces of you around the room. Like you are just out for a couple of days."_

_-JW_

**Day 83**

_"Hope you don't mind if I sleep in your bed today."_

_-JW_

_"Your pillow got a little wet. I'm afraid I cried during the night."_

_-JW_

**Day 84**

_"I found your drugs. Really, Sherlock? LSD?"_

_-JW_

_"Cocaine too. Christ."_

_-JW_

_"Weed."_

_-JW_

_"God, I don't even know what this one is."_

_-JW_

**Day 87**

_"Mrs. Hudson told me she is gonna have to sell the building. I'll probably have to leave, since I'm badly being able to afford the rent that she made cheaper to us. The new owner will probably raise the rent."_

_-JW_

_"I don't wanna leave."_

_-JW_

**Day 90**

_"Mycroft came here. He gave Mrs. Hudson money so she could keep the building. He said the money was yours."_

_-JW_

_"You never really needed a flatmate, did you?"_

_-JW_

**Day 93**

_"You know when people say you spent your life looking for your other half?_

_I found mine"_

_-JW_

_"And I lost it."_

_-JW_

**Day 94**

_"So many things I should've said."_

_-JW_

**Day 97**

_"Fuck you, Sherlock. Fuck you for leaving me."_

_-JW_

**Day 100**

_"I was feeling bad today. Lizzie said I should go see a doctor. Of course I won't. It's like if you went look for a detective for help solving a case"._

_-JW_

**Day 102**

_"Lizzie won't leave me alone. She wants me to go the hospital. She can't understand that I can't go back to that place"_

_-JW_

**Day 105**

_"Sherly found a dead body today. Lestrade wants it to be a sniffer dog."_

_-JW_

**Day 107**

_"I went to the doctor today. Tomorrow I'll do some tests"_

_-JW_

**Day 110**

_"God…"_

_-JW_

_"I did it, Sherlock. I fucking did it. Long-term suicide."_

_-JW_

_"I might be with you very soon"_

_-JW_

**Day 115**

_"People keep saying I should do the chemo. I say chemo is dull. Living is dull"_

_-JW_

**Day 120**

_"I'm not giving up. I'm just not fighting. You gave up on your life. You can't say a shit about me when I get there."_

_-JW_

**Day 123**

_"You killed yourself, so if heaven is real, you can't be in it. I may have to kill somebody before I go, so I can get to hell too."_

_-JW_

_"Just kidding, seriously."_

_-JW_

**Day 128**

_"Breathing is dull."_

_-JW_

_._

"John."

.

_ "Who is there?"_

_-JW_

_._

"Do the chemo"

"_You took my friend's phone. Give it back."_

_-JW_

_"_Don't be stupid. Do the chemo."

"_I don't know who you are or why would you spend the last 4 months reading these personal stuffs. You are sick and you have no idea what it means to me. So just give this phone back. I can pay for it."_

_-JW_

"Do the chemo. Please."

_"Who are you?"_

_-JW_

_"Answer!"_

_-JW_

_"Fuck you for this!"_

_-JW_

_"You are DESTROYING my life"_

_-JW_

_"Damn you"_

_-JW_

_"FUCKING ANSWER ME"_

_-JW_

_"Just give me the phone, please."_

_-JW_

**Day 130**

"Will you do the chemo?"

**Day 134**

_"The doctor said I have 10% of chance to live if I start the treatment today. Listen to a dying man's wish: give me this phone back. Please."_

_-JW_

**Day 140**

_"I'm doing the chemo. Every single inch of my body hurts like if my bones are made of napalm. I'm bald. Now give me the phone, whoever you are."_

_-JW_

**Day 156**

_"Please. I know you are there. I may die any day. I just… I just want this phone. Please. That's the only thing I ask. It doesn't even worth that much."_

_-JW_

_"I can't breathe. I can't sleep. There's a tube going down my throat. I don't know if I'll be alive tomorrow. I'm at St. Bartholomeu Hospital. I'm dying just a few floors below the rooftop from where he jumped. And the only thing I'm asking you is this phone you have in your hands."_

_-JW_

**Day 168**

_"You have no heart."_

_-JW_

**Day 172**

_"Got my last blood test result today. It was cancer free."_

_-JW_

_"But I still want this phone."_

_-JW_

**Day 180**

_"I'm back home. Right now Lastrade, Molly, Mrs. Hudson and Mycroft are here. They helped me a lot. Still, I feel alone."_

_-JW_

_"And now I'm texting some stupid stranger."_

_-JW_

**Day 200**

_"I went to the hospital today, to do some routine tests. They said that during the time I was unconscious because of the cancer, in the worst days, there was a doctor that used to sit by my side, holding my hand. They asked me if he was my brother or my boyfriend. None of them could give me his name. I thought about you. I thought that it could be you."_

_-JW_

_"Also, when I left the hospital, I thought I saw you. Inside of a taxi, looking at me. God, I almost saw your cheekbones. I thought it was you."_

_-JW_

"It was. Sorry."

-SH


End file.
